Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Lately there is a sense of sitting between two stone faces.

Looking back at How It Was

and

Looking forward to How (i think) It Could Be/ Might Want It To Be.

In between, simply noticing.

Use of Rationality?

"For centuries thinkers have assumed that the uniquely human capacity for reasoning has existed to let people reach beyond mere perception and reflex in the search for truth. Rationality allowed a solitary thinker to blaze a path to philosophical, moral and scientific enlightenment. Now some researchers are suggesting that reason evolved for a completely different purpose: to win arguments. Rationality, by this yardstick (and irrationality too, but we'll get to that) is nothing more or less than a servant of the hard-wired compulsion to triumph in the debating arena."

Swan Dive into the Unknown

Recent events have led me to a place where I find I have taken a huge running leap into the Unknown.

My wife and I of 10 years have split and are going through a trial separation.

She moved out recently and we're now seeing what is next: stay together in some changed fashion or not at all.

Our relationship had grown stale and stalemated and events were necessary to blast us out of our complacency and into a new, open way of being (the particulars of the explosives used is irrelevant. They were potent and did their work fast and sharp. Oww.)

We are now looking at how to lovingly integrate this new-found clarity and perspectives into a new relationship. What it looks like i have no idea.

One thing I've noticed is lack of patience. I notice this quite alot. There is a strong tendency to want to "fill in the blanks" and "be done with this already." And get to the "final outcome."

Not that there is a "final outcome."

It is very hard for me to stay in an undefined, boundary-less space in a relationship like this. There is a wanting of borders, boundaries and definition. It's been hard to remain in the unknown.

So in some ways I have to let it play out. At other times I've been called or even compelled to act. Some this has had the unmistakable feel of being steered or moved in certain ways. Compelled is a good word for it.

Yet this is about waiting for fullness. I never really liked learning patience; it seems to take forever.

And yet, is so. And when I do try to push the river (i hate that metaphor - that and "partners in crime" Eww) it totally doesn't work. So I've stopped.

It's been hard to not listen to others. My wife and I are doing this differently and in many cases listening to others, especially those who have gone through something similar, is not a help. They mainly come from a space of pain and anger and fear and are about protecting themselves, protecting their self, which is totally understandable given their perspective.

I did this as well early on and from time to time.

Ultimately though, I choose to come from the Heart and am willing to let my heart break (over and over at times it seems).

It's been hard to stay open and loving at times. During certain situations almost impossible. At times pure furious anger overtook me. I was watching it come up like cold fog rolling in.

Yet my natural state is one of calm and clear center and love. This is where I am mostly - occasionally, like being dragged under water, I experience negative emotions, but I seem to pop back to the surface after a bit.

At times I have had to "pull myself back from the brink" of mind based egoic fear and come through as Heart. Only through heart can this work. Mind is not invited.

There has been alot of letting go of "how I think I should be" and letting "how I am" simply be there. Lots of letting go of ignoring the obvious and believing the impossible.

Lately, I've noticed that there is some distance and space coming and I no longer (or at least not as much) feel invested in an outcome.

Outcomes are merely content that appears in consciousness and is not better or worse than others. Each has its plus and minuses. There is more a sense of being OK and accepting whatever happens. Do I have a clear preference? No.

Still, the mind creates mini-universes - playing out a thought or feeling or insight or fear to a complete picture, complete with its own feelings, thoughts and associated mental stuff.

Resisting the impulse to go down mental rat holes is a big part of this. I can feel the beginning of a mini-universe or a rathole being entered and usually (not always) pull myself back. Similar to pulling attention away from thought and back to my breath during meditation.

I noticed I had gotten out of alignment in some areas and this served as a wake up call to come back into balance.

Things I thought were true for me are not and vice versa. So I've learned more about myself, what I want and don't want.

Pain ends

Tears and snot dry

hearts heal

One thing interesting about this: my wife and I saw our relationship improve once we started down this path. Being open and honest - more so than we have for years.

One thing that has been hard for us is that our usual way of working through challenges - in partnership, doesn't work for this. We can't be apart, together.

And, for the first time in many years, I feel excited and look forward to my job.

So, kudos to my wife for having the courage to upset the apple cart. Way to go Trish!

Kudos for me for doing my work and not giving in or giving up.

My nature is one of waking up. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes.

One more death and rebirth.

Oldie but a Goodie

Two seekers approached an elderly wise man and asked him to take them as his students.

He replied: "I can only take one of you. I will give you a test to see which one of you is ready for my teachings. I will give each of you a chicken. Go where no one can see and kill the chicken. Then come back when you are done."

The first seeker went deep into the forest and when he thought no one was watching, he killed the chicken. When he returned to the old man and told him what he had done the old man just turned him away.

A few days later the other seeker returned looking haggard and drawn, but carrying the chicken which was still alive.

The old man asked: "What happened, why did you not kill the chicken as I told you?"

The seeker replied: " I went many places, to the deep forest, then behind the farthest barn, underneath the bridge, behind the mill. I walked a long time and went many, many places. But, wherever I went, the chicken could see."

Healing

Part of this work must include healing the jagged edges, hindrances and fractured parts of the self.
As Wolff would say, the experience of E means nothing if you can't transcend your own psychology.

Recent events have brought attention to a very old fracture.

I have been fortunate to know and work with a medical intuitive.
Her site can be found here.

Thank you Sydney. Profound gratitude for you and what you do.

A Ballon's Preference

Imagine a balloon tied with a string.

Would it prefer to be held by the string
or float away?

(hint: there is no right answer)

Pot Stirrer Gets Stirred

My core nature is to be a pot-stirrer and smoke alarm (not squeaky wheel, there's a difference, think about it).

Lately events have conspired to stir the pot-stirrer.
Initial reactions were wild and things seem to be settling down into a new, albeit weird normal.

One lesson all this has given me is an appreciation for how little credence to give the mind's interpretation, prediction and planning for how to react to events.
"If she does this then I'll do that" kind of thing.

Problem is there is the missing existential component of the moment - no matter how carefully, fully and accurately i plan and propose and prepare, at the moment when the other person says or does something, everything can change.
Predicable reaction become unpredictable.
Low probability outcomes or even non-imagined outcomes become really possible.
Space opens up for things that are pretty much unimaginable or imagined undesirable. Surprise when they are now both real and desirable.
And, this is where the work done to reduce or eliminate programmed, conditioned mental and emotional hindrances kicks in. Without it I would most likely be hanging with Charlie Sheen. In Spades.

and "I" am still not doing anything.

fucking mind...
now where did I put that lobotomy knife... it's around here somewhere... (Thanks to Chuck for the Lobo Photo. He raises an excellent point. One should NEVER perform their own lobotomy...how to know where to stop?)

I still maintain that thought is the toxic waste byproduct of consciousness in form.
All this is happening below (beyond?) the level of verbal conceptual mind anyway, so the mental stuff is just garbage-overlay and needs to go. THAT is (part of ) what the practice is about for me.