FEDYRHD

My car recently died. It was 21 years old and 8 of them with me. Pretty amazing actually.

Before I left it for the last time, i sat inside quietly and let in all the years and times we had together. Really said "goodbye' and "thank you." Such a great car. We'd been through alot together. Literally and figuratively.

I ended up replacing it with a VW Rabbit...White.

I've always loved the song White Rabbit (listen here) and always wanted a white rabbit car. I wanted a bumper sticker that said "who the hell is Grace Slick" or something of that sort. I thought it would be priceless.

So, when the opportunity came, I jumped and it looks like I made a good choice. The car itself is great and exactly what I wanted and needed. So, it all worked out well. Ironically, I would have never considered this model w/o the White Rabbit hook.

I am considering a custom license plate. The blog post title is what I would put on it. And no, no one will "get it."

Interestingly, getting the car now seems to mark a transition point in some way.

And, thank you Gracie, I wish you well.

Could You?

Recently re-watched The Abyss - a fun film from Cameron before the Titanic days...

In one scene the main characters (married but separated) are trapped 1,500 feet underwater and have to swim to safety...but there is only one suit with oxygen.

The man is the stronger swimmer so the wife tells him to put on the suit...and she will have to drown, but the water is so cold she won't die - just freeze - and he can revive her when they get back to the main station (or, that is the plan).

The scene ends with him watching her drown right in front of his eyes.

Watch here

It all works out of course, and turns around later in the film when he has to do a deep dive and uses a new technique to breathe: hyper-oxygenated fluid that he breathes directly into his lungs. Effectively "drowning' but still able to breathe.

Watch it here

I should add - that he doesn't think he's going to survive the deep dive and is seeing his wife and friends for the last time...but is willing to make the dive anyway.

wow...the metaphors simply abound....

Being an ex-scuba diver, when I saw this film for the first time (and even today) the scene where he has to breath in the liquid inside his helmet makes my skin crawl.

Visions of Johanna

Probably my favorite dylan song. One of my top 10 of all time. And has probably the best lyric in any song I can think of:
On the back of the fish truck that loads
While my conscience explodes

(listen here)

***********************************************************

Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet ?
We sit here stranded, though we're all doin our best to deny it
And Louise holds a handfull of rain, tempting you to defy it
Lights flicker from the opposite loft
In this room the heat pipes just cough
The country music station plays soft
But there's nothing really nothing to turn of
Just Louise and her lover so entwined
And these visions of Johanna that conquer my mind.

In the empty lot where the ladies play blindman's bluff with the key chain
And the all-night girls they whisper of escapades out on the D-train
We can hear the night watcman click his flashlight
Ask himself if it's him or them that's really insane
Louise she's all right she's just near
She's delicate and seems like the mirror
But she just makes it all too concise and too clear
That Johanna's not here
The ghost of electricity howls in the bones of her face
Where these visions of Johanna have now taken my place.

Now, little boy lost, he takes himself so seriously
He brags of his misery, he likes to live dangerously
And when bringing her name up
He speaks of a farewell kiss to me
He's sure got a lotta gall to be so useless and all
Muttering small talk at the wall while I'm in the hall
Oh, how can I explain ?
It's so hard to get on
And these visions of Johanna they kept me up past the dawn.

Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles
See the primitive wallflower freeze
When the jelly-faced women all sneeze
Hear the one with the mustache say, "Jeeze
I can't find my knees"
Oh, jewels and binoculars hang from the head of the mule
But these visions of Johanna, they make it all seem so cruel.

The peddler now speaks to the countess who's pretending to care for him
Saying, "Name me someone that's not a parasite and I'll go out and say a prayer for him"
But like Louise always says
"Ya can't look at much, can ya man "

As she, herself prepares for him
And Madonna, she still has not showed
We see this empty cage now corrode
Where her cape of the stage once had flowed
The fiddler, he now steps to the road
He writes ev'rything's been returned which was owed
On the back of the fish truck that loads
While my conscience explodes
The harmonicas play the skeleton keys and the rain
And these visions of Johanna are now all that remain.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Lately there is a sense of sitting between two stone faces.

Looking back at How It Was

and

Looking forward to How (i think) It Could Be/ Might Want It To Be.

In between, simply noticing.

Use of Rationality?

"For centuries thinkers have assumed that the uniquely human capacity for reasoning has existed to let people reach beyond mere perception and reflex in the search for truth. Rationality allowed a solitary thinker to blaze a path to philosophical, moral and scientific enlightenment. Now some researchers are suggesting that reason evolved for a completely different purpose: to win arguments. Rationality, by this yardstick (and irrationality too, but we'll get to that) is nothing more or less than a servant of the hard-wired compulsion to triumph in the debating arena."

Swan Dive into the Unknown

Recent events have led me to a place where I find I have taken a huge running leap into the Unknown.

My wife and I of 10 years have split and are going through a trial separation.

She moved out recently and we're now seeing what is next: stay together in some changed fashion or not at all.

Our relationship had grown stale and stalemated and events were necessary to blast us out of our complacency and into a new, open way of being (the particulars of the explosives used is irrelevant. They were potent and did their work fast and sharp. Oww.)

We are now looking at how to lovingly integrate this new-found clarity and perspectives into a new relationship. What it looks like i have no idea.

One thing I've noticed is lack of patience. I notice this quite alot. There is a strong tendency to want to "fill in the blanks" and "be done with this already." And get to the "final outcome."

Not that there is a "final outcome."

It is very hard for me to stay in an undefined, boundary-less space in a relationship like this. There is a wanting of borders, boundaries and definition. It's been hard to remain in the unknown.

So in some ways I have to let it play out. At other times I've been called or even compelled to act. Some this has had the unmistakable feel of being steered or moved in certain ways. Compelled is a good word for it.

Yet this is about waiting for fullness. I never really liked learning patience; it seems to take forever.

And yet, is so. And when I do try to push the river (i hate that metaphor - that and "partners in crime" Eww) it totally doesn't work. So I've stopped.

It's been hard to not listen to others. My wife and I are doing this differently and in many cases listening to others, especially those who have gone through something similar, is not a help. They mainly come from a space of pain and anger and fear and are about protecting themselves, protecting their self, which is totally understandable given their perspective.

I did this as well early on and from time to time.

Ultimately though, I choose to come from the Heart and am willing to let my heart break (over and over at times it seems).

It's been hard to stay open and loving at times. During certain situations almost impossible. At times pure furious anger overtook me. I was watching it come up like cold fog rolling in.

Yet my natural state is one of calm and clear center and love. This is where I am mostly - occasionally, like being dragged under water, I experience negative emotions, but I seem to pop back to the surface after a bit.

At times I have had to "pull myself back from the brink" of mind based egoic fear and come through as Heart. Only through heart can this work. Mind is not invited.

There has been alot of letting go of "how I think I should be" and letting "how I am" simply be there. Lots of letting go of ignoring the obvious and believing the impossible.

Lately, I've noticed that there is some distance and space coming and I no longer (or at least not as much) feel invested in an outcome.

Outcomes are merely content that appears in consciousness and is not better or worse than others. Each has its plus and minuses. There is more a sense of being OK and accepting whatever happens. Do I have a clear preference? No.

Still, the mind creates mini-universes - playing out a thought or feeling or insight or fear to a complete picture, complete with its own feelings, thoughts and associated mental stuff.

Resisting the impulse to go down mental rat holes is a big part of this. I can feel the beginning of a mini-universe or a rathole being entered and usually (not always) pull myself back. Similar to pulling attention away from thought and back to my breath during meditation.

I noticed I had gotten out of alignment in some areas and this served as a wake up call to come back into balance.

Things I thought were true for me are not and vice versa. So I've learned more about myself, what I want and don't want.

Pain ends

Tears and snot dry

hearts heal

One thing interesting about this: my wife and I saw our relationship improve once we started down this path. Being open and honest - more so than we have for years.

One thing that has been hard for us is that our usual way of working through challenges - in partnership, doesn't work for this. We can't be apart, together.

And, for the first time in many years, I feel excited and look forward to my job.

So, kudos to my wife for having the courage to upset the apple cart. Way to go Trish!

Kudos for me for doing my work and not giving in or giving up.

My nature is one of waking up. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes.

One more death and rebirth.

Oldie but a Goodie

Two seekers approached an elderly wise man and asked him to take them as his students.

He replied: "I can only take one of you. I will give you a test to see which one of you is ready for my teachings. I will give each of you a chicken. Go where no one can see and kill the chicken. Then come back when you are done."

The first seeker went deep into the forest and when he thought no one was watching, he killed the chicken. When he returned to the old man and told him what he had done the old man just turned him away.

A few days later the other seeker returned looking haggard and drawn, but carrying the chicken which was still alive.

The old man asked: "What happened, why did you not kill the chicken as I told you?"

The seeker replied: " I went many places, to the deep forest, then behind the farthest barn, underneath the bridge, behind the mill. I walked a long time and went many, many places. But, wherever I went, the chicken could see."