No Rational Explanation Here

Everyone wants a rational explanation for why things happen. It can be kooky, odd, whimsical, but it better be rational. I think rational in this context means "ego-centric."
By this I mean it better have an explanation tied to "I did it. I'm in control and I did it. This happened then this, then this, then I chose to do that."
Even if what "I did" is bad, awful, etc., still, bad I is better than no I.

And the explanation should be 'mechanical' in the sense that it is predictable, controllable, quantifiable and measurable.

I noticed this when watching Dexter. Initially it was a mystery why he was like he is. I loved that. Then they went and 'diluted' the character by giving him a nice (OK, maybe not so 'nice') reason for being how he is. That I didn't love as much.

I don’t know why I do the things I do, or like the things I like or make the choices I do...do you? Really?

There is an assumption under the need for a rational explanation that I do not have: my 'self' - I - am in control of..well...something! Thoughts and actions are the top two.
But what if "we" are not in control?
I was told that the 12 Step NA program says that a Higher Power is in control of everything except our thoughts and actions. Interesting how that slipped in, right?

Now, in my case I have seen this for decades. Sometimes when dating, my feelings would shift and I'd go from infatuation and feeling in love to nothing. Like a switch was turned off. And I wasn't doing it consciously! I didn't plan it, I didn't plot it out. It just happened and the extent of my experience was watching it happen.

But, boy was that not liked. I had better come up with some nice, neat, rational explanation for the shift in my feelings.

Because if my feelings can shift, then yours can too, right? And how can we count on anything, consistency, etc?

But there is no consistency. not really. There is only The Truth. And NO ONE likes that answer. That means we're not in control, and anything could happen at any moment. Well. isn't that exactly how it is?

And, if there is no control, then who or what am I? And that leads down a very deep rabbit hole that few will look into. Stare into that abyss long enough and it stares back. In Spades.

It leads to: "if I have no control then who or what is making the choices?"

It leads to no-self and that is simply unacceptable, so get to work to find (i.e. make up) a rational explanation to distract us from the deeper truth that is staring us in the face.

Wayne Liqourmann puts it well when he talks about being an alcoholic and knowing he should quit and all the bad things that were happening as a result of his addiction and he still does the same behaviors, even though they almost killed him. That is what convinced him that maybe the 'he' he thinks he is, is not really in control.

Maybe, as Steve Jobs says, looking back I’ll be able to connect the dots. But I sure can’t connect them while it’s all happening.

BTW: I'm not saying I don't take responsibility for my actions. Only that I'm not the author and can't give a nice, neat, rational explanation for why I do what I do, think what I think or feel what I feel. Only that I do.