Recent events have led me to a place where I find I have taken a huge running leap into the Unknown.
My wife and I of 10 years have split and are going through a trial separation.
She moved out recently and we're now seeing what is next: stay together in some changed fashion or not at all.
Our relationship had grown stale and stalemated and events were necessary to blast us out of our complacency and into a new, open way of being (the particulars of the explosives used is irrelevant. They were potent and did their work fast and sharp. Oww.)
We are now looking at how to lovingly integrate this new-found clarity and perspectives into a new relationship. What it looks like i have no idea.
One thing I've noticed is lack of patience. I notice this quite alot. There is a strong tendency to want to "fill in the blanks" and "be done with this already." And get to the "final outcome."
Not that there is a "final outcome."
It is very hard for me to stay in an undefined, boundary-less space in a relationship like this. There is a wanting of borders, boundaries and definition. It's been hard to remain in the unknown.
So in some ways I have to let it play out. At other times I've been called or even compelled to act. Some this has had the unmistakable feel of being steered or moved in certain ways. Compelled is a good word for it.
Yet this is about waiting for fullness. I never really liked learning patience; it seems to take forever.
And yet, is so. And when I do try to push the river (i hate that metaphor - that and "partners in crime" Eww) it totally doesn't work. So I've stopped.
It's been hard to not listen to others. My wife and I are doing this differently and in many cases listening to others, especially those who have gone through something similar, is not a help. They mainly come from a space of pain and anger and fear and are about protecting themselves, protecting their self, which is totally understandable given their perspective.
I did this as well early on and from time to time.
Ultimately though, I choose to come from the Heart and am willing to let my heart break (over and over at times it seems).
It's been hard to stay open and loving at times. During certain situations almost impossible. At times pure furious anger overtook me. I was watching it come up like cold fog rolling in.
Yet my natural state is one of calm and clear center and love. This is where I am mostly - occasionally, like being dragged under water, I experience negative emotions, but I seem to pop back to the surface after a bit.
At times I have had to "pull myself back from the brink" of mind based egoic fear and come through as Heart. Only through heart can this work. Mind is not invited.
There has been alot of letting go of "how I think I should be" and letting "how I am" simply be there. Lots of letting go of ignoring the obvious and believing the impossible.
Lately, I've noticed that there is some distance and space coming and I no longer (or at least not as much) feel invested in an outcome.
Outcomes are merely content that appears in consciousness and is not better or worse than others. Each has its plus and minuses. There is more a sense of being OK and accepting whatever happens. Do I have a clear preference? No.
Still, the mind creates mini-universes - playing out a thought or feeling or insight or fear to a complete picture, complete with its own feelings, thoughts and associated mental stuff.
Resisting the impulse to go down mental rat holes is a big part of this. I can feel the beginning of a mini-universe or a rathole being entered and usually (not always) pull myself back. Similar to pulling attention away from thought and back to my breath during meditation.
I noticed I had gotten out of alignment in some areas and this served as a wake up call to come back into balance.
Things I thought were true for me are not and vice versa. So I've learned more about myself, what I want and don't want.
Pain ends
Tears and snot dry
hearts heal
One thing interesting about this: my wife and I saw our relationship improve once we started down this path. Being open and honest - more so than we have for years.
One thing that has been hard for us is that our usual way of working through challenges - in partnership, doesn't work for this. We can't be apart, together.
And, for the first time in many years, I feel excited and look forward to my job.
So, kudos to my wife for having the courage to upset the apple cart. Way to go Trish!
Kudos for me for doing my work and not giving in or giving up.
My nature is one of waking up. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes.
One more death and rebirth.
