No Idea

A friend recently sent me this:

"I am circling around God, around the ancient tower, / and I have been circling for a thousand years, / and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm, / or a great song." Here's my own permutation: "I am circling around love, around the throbbing hum, and I have been circling for thousands of days, and I still don't know if I am a wounded saint, or a rainy dawn, or a creation story."

by Rilke in his Book of Hours (translated by Robert Bly)

I have no idea what I am, who I am, what is going on, where I'm going, what I'm doing or why.

and I am fine with it.

Thrill is Gone?

"Arthur Levinson, former CEO of biotech company Genentech, is taking on the chairmanship of Apple's board, filling the role that Apple founder Steve Jobs vacated when he died last month."El Reg notes that Disney CEO/President Robert Iger was also appointed to the board, and that this marks the first time since the return of Steve Jobs to Apple that the CEO and board chairman were different people.

What's interesting for me - and it started a couple weeks ago as I was looking at pics of the Apple sr. mgt team and they looked like nice guys and all. but they're just guys.

I've been noticing that with Steve gone my apple "fervor" for lack of a better term is diminishing.

Has it made me want to buy an android phone or switch to PC? nooo - not gone that far , yet.

but the bloom is off the rose. apple seems like just another company - good, better than many, but not the "Magic" place it was under steve.

Guess I'll wait and see what comes...

but interesting to notice.

End of an Era

Steve Jobs died today.

I was blown way when I heard. Sad, moved. I was blown away by how blown away I felt.

One of the best lines:

He changed forever the computer, music, and film industries, doing so through the simple expedient of better design. He redefined the notion of taste in an industry dominated by engineers and a general lack of style.

Never met the man but worked at Apple and NeXT.

I have a story...not about Steve, but about the impact he and his vision and company had on me.

In 1992 I went to work at Apple HQ as an analyst in the IT dept.

I was a PC person. Had used a Mac a few times, considered it a toy, but it did great graphics.

When I got to my new cube, there was a Mac II waiting for me. I moved the monitor a bit and when I turned on the computer it "chimed me" (hardware failure).

My new co-workers said "you must be a PC guy, it can tell."

Well, I scoffed at that and rebelled against the kool-aid drinkers....

Until a few months later when, as an employee, I could buy a Mac laptop at a big discount.

This was my first Mac, my first laptop, a small Powerbook with trackpad. Hi Rez BW screen.

I remember picking it up at the depot and driving to one of the Apple HQ buildings where I had a meeting in a few minutes. I had time to open it and look at it before the meeting.

Now, remember, in 1992 - computers came in dull, gray boxes...

Not this box. Attractive brown color with attractive graphics on the outside showing off the laptop inside. Well thought out and designed.

I opened the box.

On the top was a slick, glossy sheet of paper that said welcome to the community of Apple. We are here for you and with you and want to help you be successful.

That kind of thing.

Then I opened the laptop.

The screen sprang to life.

It said:

"Do you know how to use a mouse. If Yes, click here. If no, press any key and we'll show you how.

I was amazed.

The care, concern, design, thoughtfulness. I felt I'd been touched by kindred spirits. Others who wanted to change the world, one person at a time.

Just like I did.

I was blown away.

When I got to work the next day, with new found respect for and enjoyment of all things Apple (and my new laptop which I loved for a long time)

I wrote a long email to my colleagues expressing how I felt.

They came by one at a time to smile, nod and say:

"You've Been Mac'd"

They even had a name for it. When one GETS what Apple is all about.

I've been a Mac fanboi ever since.

To this day, one of my never-fading joys is to open an Apple product.

Steve has always been my favorite entrepreneur.

The world dimmed a bit when he shut down for the last time.

I got shiny eyes and felt moved.

Thank you Steve for all you were and all you gave.

It was to make the place the way your think it should be.

I totally respect that.

my other posts about Steve:

here and here.

Let's Do It All Again

Many decades ago I clearly saw the infinity of existence exposed through the idea of doing everything there is to do every which way possible in every possible combination, color, flavor, style and perversion, with everyone and everything ...

and then what to do the next morning?

Do it all over again.

Which is the point of existence.

that there is none

there doesn't need to be any.

A friend turned me onto this song which seems to capture the feel well. Especially the last line.

There's a stranger in my bed,
There's a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ's passed out in the yard
Barbie's on the barbecue
This a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Eended up online
I'm screwed
Oh well
It's a black top blur
But I'm pretty sure it ruled

Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard
Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois
Last Friday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
Always say we're gonna stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Trying to connect the dots
Don't know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail

This Friday night
Do it all again
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again
Do it all again
http://www.directlyrics.com/katy-perry-last-friday-night-lyrics.html

Life in 'The Goo'

Recently talking about how it is to live in the undefined region.

No definition to relationships. No definition to life situation.

No definition to work.

All undefined

Open

Changing

Referred to it as "the goo" - the place where it is all undefined. Like a chrysalis.

Like certain Grateful Dead Jams - where there would be a period of time when they weren't really playing any one song (all songs at once) and then a melody or rhythm would appear and the song would form.

Caused by a particular band member or played through them?

Sometimes hard to tell.

And, the longer I stay in the goo the better the outcome.

As if choosing, forming, deciding, creating too early stifles what is yet to come.

This can be very hard at times. I get the feeling of wanting to pick...well, anything, just to have finally made some thing form, exert some type of control.

To let that go and patiently wait for fullness.

One of the hardest things I've done.

Wish?

Many people have pointed out that my birthday this year comes up as "11-11-11"

A truly mystical, magical and powerful number, in certain circles.

Uhm, ok.

This triggered a series of thoughts that led to the question:

OK, if The Universe came to me and said "your birthday is 11-11-11 this year. We will grant you a one time, never to be repeated wish. Anything you can imagine and describe that does not break current laws of physics and consciousness, you can have. Anything. Period."

what would you wish for?

Talk is cheap...

Talk is cheap...Show me the code

- Linus Torvalds

"Dirty Dirties"

When I used to participate in EST-like self help workshops one of the things we did was to help keep each other "clear" - work through negative thoughts and emotions and mental hindrances.

Given the amount of crap in most people's heads and the length of time it took to process people to 'clean them' it became burdensome to have to spend a lot of time (20- 40 mins) clearing someone before they were allowed back into the training room.

I bring this up because one of my friends, a roshi in her own right, started the idea of 'super fast cleaning'

The idea was to quickly get to the bottom line where some one was stuck. their dirty dirties - their beliefs and judgment and mind talk and such that kept them stuck.

Experience showed that once those dirties were reached, aired and released people cleared up and could get back to doing whatever they were doing.

So, "Dirty Dirties" because the word for quick clearing. Bottom-lining it.

Recently, reading Chuck's post about The Coward in us all, made me think about dirty dirties.

What are yours? What are those little, niggly secrets that you keep hidden because you simply *cannot* tell anyone....

Those are what are keeping you stuck.

This recently happened to me. I had my own and didn't share and the other person kept theirs.

We were left with walls between us...not seeing what is really there.

Once we admitted the dirties, we we clear and could resume.

Annoyingly, per Chuck's post, I still gave in to my inner Coward.

All the things we feared would happen, didn't.

Funny how that works.

What is it I want?

Alot of people are asking me that these days.

Above is the best picture I can find of it.

If you want something badly enough - hold a picture of it in your mind, unrelentingly.

FEDYRHD

My car recently died. It was 21 years old and 8 of them with me. Pretty amazing actually.

Before I left it for the last time, i sat inside quietly and let in all the years and times we had together. Really said "goodbye' and "thank you." Such a great car. We'd been through alot together. Literally and figuratively.

I ended up replacing it with a VW Rabbit...White.

I've always loved the song White Rabbit (listen here) and always wanted a white rabbit car. I wanted a bumper sticker that said "who the hell is Grace Slick" or something of that sort. I thought it would be priceless.

So, when the opportunity came, I jumped and it looks like I made a good choice. The car itself is great and exactly what I wanted and needed. So, it all worked out well. Ironically, I would have never considered this model w/o the White Rabbit hook.

I am considering a custom license plate. The blog post title is what I would put on it. And no, no one will "get it."

Interestingly, getting the car now seems to mark a transition point in some way.

And, thank you Gracie, I wish you well.

Could You?

Recently re-watched The Abyss - a fun film from Cameron before the Titanic days...

In one scene the main characters (married but separated) are trapped 1,500 feet underwater and have to swim to safety...but there is only one suit with oxygen.

The man is the stronger swimmer so the wife tells him to put on the suit...and she will have to drown, but the water is so cold she won't die - just freeze - and he can revive her when they get back to the main station (or, that is the plan).

The scene ends with him watching her drown right in front of his eyes.

Watch here

It all works out of course, and turns around later in the film when he has to do a deep dive and uses a new technique to breathe: hyper-oxygenated fluid that he breathes directly into his lungs. Effectively "drowning' but still able to breathe.

Watch it here

I should add - that he doesn't think he's going to survive the deep dive and is seeing his wife and friends for the last time...but is willing to make the dive anyway.

wow...the metaphors simply abound....

Being an ex-scuba diver, when I saw this film for the first time (and even today) the scene where he has to breath in the liquid inside his helmet makes my skin crawl.

Visions of Johanna

Probably my favorite dylan song. One of my top 10 of all time. And has probably the best lyric in any song I can think of:
On the back of the fish truck that loads
While my conscience explodes

(listen here)

***********************************************************

Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet ?
We sit here stranded, though we're all doin our best to deny it
And Louise holds a handfull of rain, tempting you to defy it
Lights flicker from the opposite loft
In this room the heat pipes just cough
The country music station plays soft
But there's nothing really nothing to turn of
Just Louise and her lover so entwined
And these visions of Johanna that conquer my mind.

In the empty lot where the ladies play blindman's bluff with the key chain
And the all-night girls they whisper of escapades out on the D-train
We can hear the night watcman click his flashlight
Ask himself if it's him or them that's really insane
Louise she's all right she's just near
She's delicate and seems like the mirror
But she just makes it all too concise and too clear
That Johanna's not here
The ghost of electricity howls in the bones of her face
Where these visions of Johanna have now taken my place.

Now, little boy lost, he takes himself so seriously
He brags of his misery, he likes to live dangerously
And when bringing her name up
He speaks of a farewell kiss to me
He's sure got a lotta gall to be so useless and all
Muttering small talk at the wall while I'm in the hall
Oh, how can I explain ?
It's so hard to get on
And these visions of Johanna they kept me up past the dawn.

Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles
See the primitive wallflower freeze
When the jelly-faced women all sneeze
Hear the one with the mustache say, "Jeeze
I can't find my knees"
Oh, jewels and binoculars hang from the head of the mule
But these visions of Johanna, they make it all seem so cruel.

The peddler now speaks to the countess who's pretending to care for him
Saying, "Name me someone that's not a parasite and I'll go out and say a prayer for him"
But like Louise always says
"Ya can't look at much, can ya man "

As she, herself prepares for him
And Madonna, she still has not showed
We see this empty cage now corrode
Where her cape of the stage once had flowed
The fiddler, he now steps to the road
He writes ev'rything's been returned which was owed
On the back of the fish truck that loads
While my conscience explodes
The harmonicas play the skeleton keys and the rain
And these visions of Johanna are now all that remain.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Lately there is a sense of sitting between two stone faces.

Looking back at How It Was

and

Looking forward to How (i think) It Could Be/ Might Want It To Be.

In between, simply noticing.

Use of Rationality?

"For centuries thinkers have assumed that the uniquely human capacity for reasoning has existed to let people reach beyond mere perception and reflex in the search for truth. Rationality allowed a solitary thinker to blaze a path to philosophical, moral and scientific enlightenment. Now some researchers are suggesting that reason evolved for a completely different purpose: to win arguments. Rationality, by this yardstick (and irrationality too, but we'll get to that) is nothing more or less than a servant of the hard-wired compulsion to triumph in the debating arena."

Swan Dive into the Unknown

Recent events have led me to a place where I find I have taken a huge running leap into the Unknown.

My wife and I of 10 years have split and are going through a trial separation.

She moved out recently and we're now seeing what is next: stay together in some changed fashion or not at all.

Our relationship had grown stale and stalemated and events were necessary to blast us out of our complacency and into a new, open way of being (the particulars of the explosives used is irrelevant. They were potent and did their work fast and sharp. Oww.)

We are now looking at how to lovingly integrate this new-found clarity and perspectives into a new relationship. What it looks like i have no idea.

One thing I've noticed is lack of patience. I notice this quite alot. There is a strong tendency to want to "fill in the blanks" and "be done with this already." And get to the "final outcome."

Not that there is a "final outcome."

It is very hard for me to stay in an undefined, boundary-less space in a relationship like this. There is a wanting of borders, boundaries and definition. It's been hard to remain in the unknown.

So in some ways I have to let it play out. At other times I've been called or even compelled to act. Some this has had the unmistakable feel of being steered or moved in certain ways. Compelled is a good word for it.

Yet this is about waiting for fullness. I never really liked learning patience; it seems to take forever.

And yet, is so. And when I do try to push the river (i hate that metaphor - that and "partners in crime" Eww) it totally doesn't work. So I've stopped.

It's been hard to not listen to others. My wife and I are doing this differently and in many cases listening to others, especially those who have gone through something similar, is not a help. They mainly come from a space of pain and anger and fear and are about protecting themselves, protecting their self, which is totally understandable given their perspective.

I did this as well early on and from time to time.

Ultimately though, I choose to come from the Heart and am willing to let my heart break (over and over at times it seems).

It's been hard to stay open and loving at times. During certain situations almost impossible. At times pure furious anger overtook me. I was watching it come up like cold fog rolling in.

Yet my natural state is one of calm and clear center and love. This is where I am mostly - occasionally, like being dragged under water, I experience negative emotions, but I seem to pop back to the surface after a bit.

At times I have had to "pull myself back from the brink" of mind based egoic fear and come through as Heart. Only through heart can this work. Mind is not invited.

There has been alot of letting go of "how I think I should be" and letting "how I am" simply be there. Lots of letting go of ignoring the obvious and believing the impossible.

Lately, I've noticed that there is some distance and space coming and I no longer (or at least not as much) feel invested in an outcome.

Outcomes are merely content that appears in consciousness and is not better or worse than others. Each has its plus and minuses. There is more a sense of being OK and accepting whatever happens. Do I have a clear preference? No.

Still, the mind creates mini-universes - playing out a thought or feeling or insight or fear to a complete picture, complete with its own feelings, thoughts and associated mental stuff.

Resisting the impulse to go down mental rat holes is a big part of this. I can feel the beginning of a mini-universe or a rathole being entered and usually (not always) pull myself back. Similar to pulling attention away from thought and back to my breath during meditation.

I noticed I had gotten out of alignment in some areas and this served as a wake up call to come back into balance.

Things I thought were true for me are not and vice versa. So I've learned more about myself, what I want and don't want.

Pain ends

Tears and snot dry

hearts heal

One thing interesting about this: my wife and I saw our relationship improve once we started down this path. Being open and honest - more so than we have for years.

One thing that has been hard for us is that our usual way of working through challenges - in partnership, doesn't work for this. We can't be apart, together.

And, for the first time in many years, I feel excited and look forward to my job.

So, kudos to my wife for having the courage to upset the apple cart. Way to go Trish!

Kudos for me for doing my work and not giving in or giving up.

My nature is one of waking up. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes.

One more death and rebirth.

Oldie but a Goodie

Two seekers approached an elderly wise man and asked him to take them as his students.

He replied: "I can only take one of you. I will give you a test to see which one of you is ready for my teachings. I will give each of you a chicken. Go where no one can see and kill the chicken. Then come back when you are done."

The first seeker went deep into the forest and when he thought no one was watching, he killed the chicken. When he returned to the old man and told him what he had done the old man just turned him away.

A few days later the other seeker returned looking haggard and drawn, but carrying the chicken which was still alive.

The old man asked: "What happened, why did you not kill the chicken as I told you?"

The seeker replied: " I went many places, to the deep forest, then behind the farthest barn, underneath the bridge, behind the mill. I walked a long time and went many, many places. But, wherever I went, the chicken could see."

Healing

Part of this work must include healing the jagged edges, hindrances and fractured parts of the self.
As Wolff would say, the experience of E means nothing if you can't transcend your own psychology.

Recent events have brought attention to a very old fracture.

I have been fortunate to know and work with a medical intuitive.
Her site can be found here.

Thank you Sydney. Profound gratitude for you and what you do.

A Ballon's Preference

Imagine a balloon tied with a string.

Would it prefer to be held by the string
or float away?

(hint: there is no right answer)

Pot Stirrer Gets Stirred

My core nature is to be a pot-stirrer and smoke alarm (not squeaky wheel, there's a difference, think about it).

Lately events have conspired to stir the pot-stirrer.
Initial reactions were wild and things seem to be settling down into a new, albeit weird normal.

One lesson all this has given me is an appreciation for how little credence to give the mind's interpretation, prediction and planning for how to react to events.
"If she does this then I'll do that" kind of thing.

Problem is there is the missing existential component of the moment - no matter how carefully, fully and accurately i plan and propose and prepare, at the moment when the other person says or does something, everything can change.
Predicable reaction become unpredictable.
Low probability outcomes or even non-imagined outcomes become really possible.
Space opens up for things that are pretty much unimaginable or imagined undesirable. Surprise when they are now both real and desirable.
And, this is where the work done to reduce or eliminate programmed, conditioned mental and emotional hindrances kicks in. Without it I would most likely be hanging with Charlie Sheen. In Spades.

and "I" am still not doing anything.

fucking mind...
now where did I put that lobotomy knife... it's around here somewhere... (Thanks to Chuck for the Lobo Photo. He raises an excellent point. One should NEVER perform their own lobotomy...how to know where to stop?)

I still maintain that thought is the toxic waste byproduct of consciousness in form.
All this is happening below (beyond?) the level of verbal conceptual mind anyway, so the mental stuff is just garbage-overlay and needs to go. THAT is (part of ) what the practice is about for me.

"You Should Write More"

I'm told that some times. It came up the other day when I went here and then clicked through toLiberatedself's blog roll and boop! there was Nemo's Notes in his/her blog roll.
Get a nice rush from that: odd, but also a bit of an egoic smell. not that it lingers long.
When I mentioned this I was told - "you should write more."
Sigh.I am currently erasing shoulds from my life. I see places where I do things out of fear of future perceived consequences, instead of genuine desire.


As for the site at the top I mentioned. I thought it might be Stephen Norquist's posts at first, but now I don't think so. It seems (to me) to have much more of an edge, dark even angry side. SN's writings never seemed that way to me (and he has his own site.)
Someone once asked me :" Why do all you enlightened guys seem so angry when we ask questions." Could be questions like that (just kidding).

No Hindrances

Reading this:

“Their faith is intertwined with their self-identity"

Brought to mind this line:
Indeed, there is nothing to be attained; the Bodhisattvas live this deepest wisdom ' with no hindrance in the mind, no hindrance therefore no fear.

I love that: No hindrances in the mind.

For Zoom

The dog can't move no more
Surprised he made it till the spring
His pain won't go away and the pills don't do a thing
You've know that ole hound longer
than you've known any of your friends
And no matter how you let him down
He'd always take you back again
So it's one tall glass of whiskey
One last drink for old times sake
The dog just lays in bed and watches every move you make
Wrap him in his blanket
Hold him once more close to you
Lead him out behind the barn
with a borrowed .22

Everything slips through these cold fingers
like trying to hold water, like trying to hold sand
Close your eyes and make wish and listen to the singer
"One more round bartender, pour a double if you can."

"These cold Fingers" - Bill Morrissey

Water over the bow

Enjoying the illusion of returning to the things of man to participate or at least witness the downfall of humanity led to the romantic idea of being one of the musicians on the titanic who played as it went down.
What greater image can there be?
Knowing full well the end is near and yet playing one's role to the fullest even when, especially when it seems futile and meaningless.

Lately, having been given exactly what I wanted and needed I've been preoccupied and often exhausted past caring as a member of a dysfunctional bucket brigade.
Long days, short nights and tangible insanity all around.

As the fire wanes, energy returns and my head rises above the waves and with that comes room.
Room for writing, feeling, music, both listening and even playing. Picking up the guitar again after many many years. The feel of the strings. The same guitar I've had for 30 years. an old friend. Worn and chipped and old, kinda like me. But a new set of strings and we're good to go.

Spinning Away

Those moments of least definition
Those times in between ISness
The space before and after
Without trying or effort
Without calling into being
Without names or identification or form
Without having to be any one, thing or more

With special thanks and nod to Eno/Cale: Wrong Way Up